halfway.

I've now been in Paris for almost exactly a week, so it feels like it should be time to write some kind of wonderful, meaningful summary about how I feel about it so far. Unfortunately, whatever I try to write feels a bit... underwhelming. I'm in a very strange mood, so I'll try and explain.

I feel like I'm very much in limbo. I've spent all week at the Ecole des Beaux-Arts meeting people and looking at studios and signing forms and waving my arms around, and while it's all incredibly useful and interesting, I feel guilty that I haven't actually done much. I forgot how overwhelming it is to learn a whole new university layout (especially one with so many distracting frescos/marble arses). In terms of art practise, I don't think I'll be in a position to start making anything until next Wednesday, and I don't know how much longer it'll take me to actually work up the courage to get stuck in. All the exchange students share English as a common language, so all the introductory sessions and social interactions have so far been in English, so I feel like I'm cheating and have barely spoken any French (apart from "Je voudrais le massive croissant") at all this week. Which is funny, what with being in France and all.

I've been walking around, which is quite solitary but very relaxing and a useful way to get to know things and a good way to counteract the nine thousand pastries I've crammed into my neck. I feel a bit sort of blank at the minute but I think it's because I'm tired and a bit overwhelmed and also surprised that I haven't dissolved into tears every time I miss my family/my boyfriend/forget how to say "you're welcome".

The language barrier really frustrates me and it's even more frustrating knowing that that's not going to change quickly- for somebody who loves words and is a bit awkward and relies on having the ability to explain away clumsiness/bizarre tendencies, I find it hard to not be able to answer simple questions, and I feel rude when I have to sort of mumble a thank you/you're welcome/same to you or just sort of smile and gesture. I can plan conversation just fine, but it's when I'm caught off guard by random interactions that I feel stuck and a bit silly. I'm looking forward to my first French class tomorrow, as I really want to be able to improve and make a good effort/not just sit there like a pasty English lemon when I join the French students for regular classes. I know I'm not going to learn French quickly, but I really want to come home being able to speak more confidently. On the flip-side, I am pleased with the little breakthroughs I've had this week and am grateful for the couple of conversations I've had/the patience of the people who had to work out what I was trying to say.

To summarise, I still don't think I've quite found my feet yet. I feel guilty for feeling so neutral- everything I look at here astounds me and I can't even describe how excited I am and relieved at how nice and fun the other exchange students are and how surreal it is that I'm actually finally here, wandering past the Louvre all super-casual like it's a Tesco Metro, but when I get home at the end of the day all I want to do is sleep. I have never, ever, ever lived anywhere else than the city I was born in, so I'm chalking it all up to sort of background, subconcious shock.

I am really looking forward to this weekend- I am really going to enjoy myself and look at things and take even more pictures on my phone and actually vocalise how happy I am to be here. And then I think I'll get over myself and really, really, really start enjoying it. And then I'll write about how good food shopping is in France (and my creepy love affair with lettuce/bread/all foods) and my trip to Pierre Herme, because that was delicious and more interesting than this garbage.

Trinket packing.

Ten days from now, I will be sat in a new flat in Paris, preparing to begin as an exchange fine art student at ENSBA. I'm still not quite sure how I feel about that- I think for somebody terrified of taking risks it's a big deal, and it's proved to be pretty stressful getting to this point. I can't say for sure, but I imagine that once I'm there I'll probably dive nude into the Seine with glee. But... until then, I think I'm just going to keep dreading things and imagining worst case scenarios. Which is just fabulous for those around me who are having to deal with the wobbly little pile of nerve-blancmange I am at present. A pile of blancmange that keeps bleating "I'm going to Paris". "I'm so nervous about going to Paris". "Oh, you're just going to the toilet? Well I'm going to Paris". "Oh you're from France? You'll never guess where I'm going" "Paris" "Paris" "Paris". It makes me want to shove a souvenir Eiffel tower up my nose and out the back of my head.

I've started doing things that are vaguely productive- I've begun to pack my cases, which is turning out to be like playing Tetris with my entire life. It's hard sorting what I actually need from the china cats, platform shoes and bits of tinsel that pollute my existence. Luckily, friends have come to the rescue offering mountains of helpful tips, from what essential condiments to take with me (Marmite) to how to fold my clothes to save the most space (roll 'em up). I'm almost starting to look forward to the creation of a "capsule wardrobe" (a term that always fills a hoarder with dread...). Almost.

I decided that my second productive thing to do would be to start writing this- I'm hoping it might be a good distraction when I realise just before I climb into bed each night that I am definitely on my own in another country and there is no God/Sainsburys. This is an incredibly boring blog entry to start something new with, but I thought it was as good a point as any to try and begin. At the very least, the whole being-in-France thing I've been battering everybody around the face with should be vaguely more interesting than my usual "Um today I looked out the window and then I changed my underpants and then had a ham sandwich". For the first time in my life, I'm going to attempt to stick to keeping a blog and not delete it out of shame and awkwardness after a week.

Hahaha...